


Cold, Lonely Christmas

by Casey_K



Series: Realisations and Reparations [1]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Embarrassment, Heartache, Heartbreak, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Unrequited Love, Unresolved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 21:06:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3183164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Casey_K/pseuds/Casey_K
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Slots into events of Season 3 Espisode 12. Spoilers. </p><p>Danny is preparing for the saddest, shittiest, Christmas ever. Just when it looks as though his luck has changed the universe sees fit to rip out his heart and stomp all over it. Yup, sad and shitty are the very best he can expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cold, Lonely Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> This is angsty and emotional. I make no apologies for it. There will be a happy in there but I don't know how long it will be in coming. 
> 
> Not beta'd
> 
> Don't own the boys.
> 
> Sometimes, I just need to explain away those 'Catherine' episodes.

Danny hated being vulnerable. He hated it even more when he was feeling vulnerable in front of Steve. Or at least when he and Steve were alone. The McGarrett stare would get under his skin, delve into his heart and root out something he didn’t want to share. Steve had a way of doing that. Steve had a way of doing a lot of things Danny wasn’t keen on. Like always driving his car, getting them into trouble without back up, stealing Danny’s fucking heart and then stomping all over it by waving his hot fucking girlfriend around like a trophy. _Yay, yippee, go McGarrett._

The conversation with Grace had peeled away another layer of Danny’s armour and Steve just had to poke around in the flesh wound over Danny’s heart. And Danny was getting close, he could feel it, getting close to saying something he was going to regret. He didn’t need any more grief in his life. 

“That’s it,” Steve said. “You’re coming to me for Christmas.”

Danny floundered but batted the invitation back.

“Come on, Danny. Catherine is going to be there…”

Danny didn’t hear the rest of the sentence. _Catherine_ was going to be there. And Steve actually thought that was a good thing for Danny’s fragile state. He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to breathe through the rising tide of emotion. 

“Hey, buddy, are you okay? You look a little green.”

“You don’t get it, do you?” The blank expression on Steve’s face confirmed to Danny that he certainly did not get it, was not even in the same zip code as getting it, perhaps not even on the right continent to understanding why Danny would be a little green after Steve invited him to spend his saddest, loneliest Christmas playing happy families with the unrequited love of his life and the man’s _fucking_ girlfriend. “I do not want to spend Christmas with you, Steven.”

“Why not? Danny, you’re my best friend. The best friend I’ve ever had. You’re going to be miserable. At least come and be miserable at my place.”

“Oh, my god, will you please stop. Can you really not see that being at your house is the last place I would want to be?” Danny sighed. Now Steve looked like Danny had just stomped on his new puppy. Danny hated that face. The face that Danny knew, just knew he would have to do something, anything to fix, to see Steve smile again. But this time he wouldn’t make Steve smile. 

“Why would you say that, Danny? I know you don’t get on with my mom, but—“

“This has nothing to do with your mom, it’s you, you numbskull. I am miserable, my heart is breaking because for the first time since she was born I will not be seeing my beautiful baby girl and light of my life on Christmas Day. I refuse to torture myself even more by sitting through a day and an evening of you and Catherine getting cosy. There is only so much I can take.” Danny breathed into the stunned silence. “Usually I’m strong enough to deal with it.” He stared out of the window of the car, seeing nothing. “But right now, I’m not. So the answer is no. I will not be joining you for Christmas.”

“You don’t want to see me with Catherine? I don’t understand, do you have a thing for her or something?”

Danny’s mouth fell open and he turned to stare at Steve. “You really are the most oblivious man on the planet aren’t you?”

“I think it’s only fair a guy tell his partner if he has the hots for said partners…” Steve hesitated.

“Girlfriend, the word you’re looking for?”

“No, maybe…depends on your interests.”

“How did you make Naval Intelligence? Tell me that.”

Steve pulled over the car and turned off the engine. They were still in the middle of nowhere. “I don’t like where this is going, Danny. You need to be straight with me. I don’t want us to fall out over a woman.”

“Unbelievable. This is one big cosmic joke, isn’t it? The universe decided it would be fun for me to fall for the dumbest Neanderthal guy on the entire planet. Just for kicks.”

“What do you mean fall for a guy?”

“You, dumbass! I’m not beat up about you and Catherine because I want Catherine. I’m sparing myself the pain and misery because I fucking love _you_ , you complete and total moron!”

Holy shit, he’d done it now. He’d said it—out loud. He turned away and stared out of the window again. 

“Look at me,” Steve said. But Danny couldn’t. Danny wouldn’t be able to look Steve in the face ever again. “Danny, I said look at me. Now!” Danny glared at Steve, or tried to over the traitor tears brewing. He’d lost Grace, and now he’d just blown the best friendship he’d ever had because he couldn’t keep his big fucking mouth shut. “How long?”

“What?”

“How long have you felt that way about me?”

Danny sighed. “I dunno. Long, I guess.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

Danny shook his head and snorted. “The endless innuendo too subtle for you, huh?”

“You were married to Rachel. You have a kid. I thought it was cop bonding stuff.”

“Cop, what? Can you hear yourself right now?”

“Say whatever you want, but you’re the fucking idiot, Danny. The only reason I’m still with Catherine is because you weren’t available.” Steve was staring straight ahead, gripping the steering wheel so tight he looked as though he was going to break it off.

There was a strange fizzle and short circuit in Danny’s brain. He’d heard the words. He’d understood the words, but the words didn’t make any sense. “What are you saying to me right now?”

“I’m saying, Danny, that I love you. Have from the start. Why do you think I high jacked you in the first place, forced you to work with me, have invite you to my house every chance I get?” It was Steve’s turn to sigh. “I figured that’s all I’d ever be to you. A friend.”

Steve loved him. Danny sat there. It was something he’d dreamed of, wanted and waited for, longed for even. He had to admit he felt lighter somehow, but it wasn’t the all-singing-all-dancing parade his subconscious usually filled in when he was daydreaming about this very thing happening. “So, now what do we do?” It was a stupid question, but really, what was there to do after they’d both made loud and clumsy declarations of love? And in reality, why did he envisage they would do it any other way? Everything about the two of them together was loud and clumsy. 

Danny chanced a look at Steve, who was staring right at him with the intensity of a laser beam. Steve leaned over to bring their lips together but Danny turned quickly away. “What?” Steve said, his tone laced with anger. “You were just messing with me?”

“I would never. Not about something like that.”

Steve was still so close, hovering for a potential make out session. It made it difficult for Danny to concentrate. “So what’s the problem?”

“Catherine.” Danny squirmed in his seat. He was being so stupid right now. He should just take the kiss, let it happen, be happy for one goddam fucking minute. But he just didn’t have it in him. “I am not going to be some dirty little secret you have to sneak out to see. It’s not my style.”

It was a sudden, irritated oof that put Steve back in his seat on the far side of the car—too far away. “Danny, how many times do I have to tell you, Catherine is _not_ my girlfriend?”

Danny decided to ignore the implied girlfriend status from their conversation just ten minutes before and focus on the part that really mattered. “Steven, she’s chosen to spend her leave over the holidays with you. Whether she’s your girlfriend or some friend with benefits, you can’t cut her off half way through your plans together. Especially at Christmas.”

“I wouldn’t do that.” Steve had the audacity to look hurt. 

There was a flare of anger deep in Danny’s gut. “Oh, excuse me, what? You want to have us both on call, do you? That may go down okay with Miss Navy Booty Call but it certainly does not sit well with me.”

“Seriously? It’s not as though Cath and I have ever been exclusive, Danny.”

“Forget I ever said anything. If you don’t think fidelity is important in a relationship, I’ve changed my mind. We can keep it platonic. I’ll survive.”

Stunned silence was probably the best interpretation of Steve’s demeanour. Aneurysm face had given way to calculating, which had given way to thoughtful, which had just transformed into the soft, adoring face Steve often reserved for Grace. “You want to be exclusive?”

“Yes, Steven, I do. There is no option B.”

The softness dissipated and consternation took its place. “You want me to wrap up a casual thing with no exclusivity clause…indefinitely, before we even kiss to try out the chemistry?”

Danny’s eyes flashed hot and angry. He climbed over and pinned Steve to his seat, leaned in close, his lips less than a centimetre from Steve’s, with his hand lodged in Steve’s hair. Steve’s breathing hitched, and he let out a long, low moan as Danny rocked over his lap and tugged on his hair. “Tell me again how you aren’t sure we have chemistry, Steven.” Danny let go and climbed back to his side of the Camaro. He smirked as he glanced over at Steve’s dishevelled appearance. _No chemistry, my ass._

“That was…uncalled for,” Steve said, straightening himself out. “But you’ve made your point.”

Danny looked out of the window to hide his smile as Steve adjusted his pants. “We have work to do,” Danny said, adding a serious edge to his voice. “Drive.” Steve started the car and pulled back on to the highway. “End it with Catherine for good. Then we’ll talk. And no,” he added, as Steve started to open his mouth. “I am not coming to you for Christmas.”

OoOoOoOoO

Case wrapped, celebratory shrimp, and some surprise gift giving from Kamekona. Danny had struggled through the case after blurting out his true feelings for Steve. Steve had reciprocated, which was great—unbelievably great—but they still weren’t together. And it was tough. At least for Danny. Steve seemed to be rolling with it. He’d worked much of the case with Catherine. Danny had tried not to feel sick to his stomach, had tried to put a positive spin on it. He liked Catherine. He’d reasoned with himself that if Steve managed to wrap it up well they’d still see her now and then, that somehow she would still feel welcome and comfortable in Hawaii. Of course, Danny didn’t know whether she had other reasons to be there. Reasons other than shacking up with Steve and fucking every last ounce out of him during her well-earned breaks from active service. For all he knew she could actually wish Steve lived someplace else, and would never set foot on the island paradise again once she and Steve were over. They hadn’t looked anywhere close to being over during the case. They’d been touchy feely, companionable, downright affectionate. Every look, every touch, had torn another shred off Danny’s bruised and battered heart. _Put it behind you, he’ll soon be yours._ Danny had repeated it over and over. It felt shitty now, but soon, soon he would be on top of the world. 

“Where is the Big Kahona?” Kamekona asked. “I wanted to give him his gift.”

“He said he had to stop off for something.” Danny had wondered briefly when Steve said he’d be late to lunch, but then it had slipped out of his mind. 

“Oh, wow.” Danny looked at Kono and then followed her stare to see Steve-- _Holy fucking crapsticks_ \--sauntering towards the table in full tux. Danny’s heart flipped over. He wouldn’t, would he? Not in front of everyone. Danny grinned, talk about taking his breath away with a bit of romance, though he’d make Steve pay for outing them without discussing it first. Until he realised Steve was looking at Catherine. When Danny looked over to Catherine she was beaming, and obviously expecting the gesture in some way even if she was grinning from ear to ear in surprise. Danny actually felt bile rise in his throat and had to steady himself against the table. It was lucky he’d stayed sitting down. 

Steve swept in and whisked Catherine off her feet without so much as glancing in Danny’s direction. Their friends whooped and cheered and Danny found himself going along with the smiling and cheering, when really his heart was breaking. Breaking so thoroughly, it would likely never mend. And then Steve kissed her, and Danny couldn’t help it, he jumped up from the table, patted Chin on the shoulder, kissed Kono’s hair and made his apologies with the biggest and most painful smile still plastered all over his face, and then he ran for cover before the dam could burst. 

He made it to the car and took a few deep breaths to settle himself. He let the numbness creep through his chest before the tears took hold, started the engine and drove away. There was no need to beat himself up for thinking the best could actually happen. It had been a pipe dream of epic proportions, why would it filter into reality and take hold? Steve didn’t want to lose his casual friends with benefits thing without the exclusivity clause. That was fine. He’d made his position crystal clear. Danny would pick up the pieces of his shattered dreams, pack them away, and look for the positives. Yeah, right. What he’d just witnessed didn’t look much like friends with benefits. It looked like moving things to the next level. It looked to Danny like a clear marker in the sand. Steve was saying ‘I want exclusive, Danny, just not with you.’ It was all fine. Danny could deal. He’d always found a way through. 

 

He was home before he realised he’d made the decision to get there. He leaned briefly against the front door as it closed behind him, then turned and locked and bolted it, before putting the chain across. He stored his badge and his gun, kicked off his shoes, loosened his button down, and searched out a bottle of scotch and a tumbler. It was a messy slump onto the couch but he hit a comfortable spot quite quickly, poured the first drink and knocked it back. After the third, the burn had slipped into smooth warmth seeping through his weary bones and repairing the steel wall around his heart to make sure no one, absolutely no one, would get through it ever again. 

Christmas was back on track to be the loneliest, shitty Christmas, he’d ever had. _Halle--fucking--lujah._

**Author's Note:**

> Have an idea where it's going, but need to watch Episode 13 again before I decide whether to diverge from canon.


End file.
